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The Matrix
Monday, 19 November, 2018.
An anti-geoengineering group, who normally protest against the widespread spraying of stratospheric sulfate aerosols, have reversed their position after becoming "absurdly hot" during the UK's current heatwave. Lead researcher for Condensation-Fails.com, Betty Swollocks, released the following controversial statement yesterday afternoon: "As you all know, we've been campaigning against the reckless chemical alteration of our precious atmosphere for years, but after three...
A new series of Pokémon is about to be released, following the success of augmented reality app, Pokémon Go. Ash Ketchum, who fans will remember as a courageous young Pokémon trainer with a thirst for adventure, is now depicted as a 45-year-old travel agent who uses a popular phone app to catch imaginary creatures on his commute to work. In the...
Pop singer Charlotte Church has said some things on her social media account, and everyone cares for some reason. Intellectual powerhouse and political expert Charlotte Church, singer of socially conscious smash hits such as "Moodswings" and "Crazy Chick", has whipped the internet into a frenzy yet again, mostly due to people Googling who the fuck she is. After making headlines during...
A man, now thought to be a bloody lunatic, has questioned whether anyone has "the right to govern" him, regardless of whether they're based in Brussels or London, and has subsequently lost all of his friends. As Brexit supporters are celebrating their new-found "freedom" from Brussels, one man made the mistake of questioning whether being governed solely by a small...
Everyone in Britain now completely despises one another, it has emerged. Since the shock EU referendum result, in which one group of people scribbled an X in their preferred box more times than the other group, pure hatred and unimaginable loathing has engulfed Britain. Whilst outraged Remain voters frantically shared Guardian articles in an attempt to seem indignant and intelligent on...
Everything in the entire fucking world now has to relate to the upcoming EU referendum, it has emerged.  As the recent murder of MP Jo Cox is immediately and shamefully reduced by the media into a steaming pile of anti-Brexit propaganda, experts warn that EU-related bullshit has reached dangerous new levels. According to professor Euan Douche, infuriating EU prattling has...
The murder of a pro-EU politician one week before the EU referendum was just a random coincidence, according to an Illuminati spokesperson.  The shocking murder of Labour MP Jo Cox, supposedly by a "quiet but friendly" volunteer gardener who just happened to scream "Britain First!" during the attack, has already impacted the referendum debate.  Both the Leave and Remain camps decided...
After hearing about the tragic murder of Labour MP Jo Cox, everyone is secretly thinking about which politician they would rather have taken her place, it has emerged. "If I was a gun-wielding mentalist about to embark on a parliamentary killing spree, I’d like to think Cox would be the last person on my mind,” said Twitter user Gary Upton....
The Knighted British pop star announced he will be headlining this year’s Bohemian Grove ceremony after being cleared of historic sex abuse charges. Sir Cliff Richard is set to celebrate his freedom by performing the headline slot at this year’s controversial Bohemian Grove ceremony in California. The annual gathering, held every July, attracts some of the most influential figures in politics...
Orlando gunman Omar Mateen has been hailed as "the most progressive mass murdering terrorist yet" by left-wing groups after he held hostages in the same bathroom regardless of their gender identity. Omar Mateen, the terrorist blamed for gunning down 49 people in a gay club and perpetrating what’s being called “the deadliest mass shooting in US history”, has been praised...