Everyone Fucking Hates Each Other

Everyone in Britain now completely despises one another, it has emerged.

Since the shock EU referendum result, in which one group of people scribbled an X in their preferred box more times than the other group, pure hatred and unimaginable loathing has engulfed Britain.

Whilst outraged Remain voters frantically shared Guardian articles in an attempt to seem indignant and intelligent on Facebook, thousands of elated “Brexiteers” positioned themselves on top of the cliffs of Dover and started mooning en masse, waggling their smug British arse cheeks towards the rest of Europe.

Hoards of left-wingers, who usually condemn the use of “hate speech” but make exceptions when it suits them, then started calling everyone “a bunch of racist ignorant hateful fucking shit-cunts” on social media.

Tensions between the two camps have reached an all time high, with the UK Butthurt Level being upgraded from “Substantial” to “Severe”.

According to new hate crime statistics from the Ministry of Truth, people posting turds through letterboxes has risen by 10,000% since June 24, and people blowing raspberries at each other in a nasty way has seen a 50,000% increase.

“Boy, that escalated quickly,” said internet enthusiast Frank Tweetings trying to be funny by making an outdated Anchorman reference. “You’ve got snobby young ageists slagging off ignorant old racists and no one detects any sense of irony whatsoever. It just feels like this whole referendum has brought the worst out of all of us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and throttle my grandma for voting Out.”

But Seriously…

  • Who do you suppose might benefit from us constantly being at each other’s throats?