George Osborne To Be Tested For “Performance-Decreasing Drugs”

Osborne might face regular drug tests, as more and more people question why he constantly looks shit-faced.

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne, who is responsible for managing the UK’s fiscal and monetary policy, is receiving criticism for looking constantly battered.

After footage emerged of Osborne talking to himself, flickering his tongue, and sweating profusely whilst staring blankly into some sort of unimaginable void, members of the public started to wonder whether it’s a good idea to leave him in charge of the economy.

An online petition was started this week, calling for the mandatory drug testing of Osborne before every new budget announcement.

The petition went viral and has gained almost 30 signatures so far.

Barry “Third Eye” Rodgers, the social media activist behind the controversial petition, voiced his disbelief on Facebook. “I got a disciplinary at work last week for going for a lunchtime pint. But then you’ve got this muppet sitting in the House of Commons literally swaying in his seat, looking like he’s trying not to shit himself. And he’ll probably give himself a pay rise.”


When Osborne was quizzed about his unusual behaviour in a recent television interview, he simply responded by shouting, “Woah, my hands look massive!” He then proceeded to wrap his tie around his forehead and blow bubbles with his saliva.