New Pokémon Cartoon Follows Ash Ketchum’s Life As A Middle-Aged Smart Phone Addict

A new series of Pokémon is about to be released, following the success of augmented reality app, Pokémon Go.

Ash Ketchum, who fans will remember as a courageous young Pokémon trainer with a thirst for adventure, is now depicted as a 45-year-old travel agent who uses a popular phone app to catch imaginary creatures on his commute to work.

In the highly-anticipated reboot, it’s explained that all of Ash’s vivid and detailed memories of becoming a world-renowned pokémon master were merely the result of an intense acid trip he once had at V festival.

Instead of travelling the world taming magical monsters, Ash now has to escape from the mundanity of his everyday life by “capturing” pokémon in various supermarkets and service station car parks.

An online trailer for the new series features a suspenseful scene in which Ash’s phone starts to run low on battery whilst waiting for his train at Clapham Junction. He then has to turn his screen brightness down in order to continue playing, but the short clip leaves it unclear as to whether he successfully catches a particularly stubborn Metapod.

Fans of the original show will be pleased to know that the dastardly Team Rocket still feature heavily in the new cartoon, although they now possess a massive power differential over Ash, whose iPhone is constantly broadcasting his exact whereabouts to hackers and malevolent government agencies.

When the show’s creators were asked why they opted for such a shocking change of direction in the new series, they commented: “We knew we had to modernise. You know, really bring Pokémon into 2016. Plus, after the incredible success of Pokémon Go, a game where grown adults trade their real money for ‘PokéCoins’, it became clear to us that people are literally stupid enough to buy into anything.”

But Seriously…

  • Have you read the “Expansive data-capture permissions” that Pokémon Go insists you agree to? And is a game worth sacrificing yet more of your privacy?
  • The game’s privacy policy contains disturbing information such as this: “We may disclose any information about you (or your authorized child) that is in our possession or control to government or law enforcement officials or private parties.”
  • The app was created by Niantic Labs… Niantic was founded by John Hanke, who also founded Keyhole, Inc., the mapping company which was created with seed money from In-Q-Tel, the CIA’s venture capital arm, and which was eventually rolled into Google Maps.”
  • James Corbett notes: “As it turns out, the big, bad Big Brother Spies of the NSA and the DHS and the CIA don’t really need their Patriot Act powers, after all. All the powers-that-shouldn’t-be need to do is create a fun, shiny trinket for the people to play with and they will literally pay for their own surveillance. Welcome to the ‘Matrix Economy,’ where people pay to spy on themselves…and have fun doing it!”
  • Infowars notes: “Software like that could theoretically turn millions of smartphone users into ‘Imperial probe droids’ who take real-time, ground-level footage of their cities and homes, reaching into dark alleyways and basements which spy satellites and Google cars can’t reach.”